Pudding

“Man, I could really use some pudding right about now.” This was my husband’s statement after eating at Taco Bell today.  I laughed because when I heard it, I immediately thought it was a statement that should really only be uttered by geriatric patients in a nursing home.

 

Niceness

I have thoughts that I cannot express.  Frustrations that I cannot seem to get out.  People are so confusing.  How can someone try so hard to make things right only to have the other person remain hateful for no reason?  How can a person not see when they are not being nice, or is it that they choose to and only want others to think that they don’t realize that they are not being nice. 

It hurts me when others are not nice and when I cannot fix the problem.  I feel like I am in grade school.

Morality?

Moral compass.
Moral center.
Morality.

We’re supposed to grow up with morals.

Or maybe it’s we’re just supposed to have morals.

What the heck are morals anyway? 

I Googled it, and dictionary.com’s first answer was – ”of,
pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or
the distinction between right and wrong; ethical”.

So it’s the ethical difference between right and wrong –
justice, virtue, good, bad…

How is it that people that you expect to be moral are not,
and the ones you expect to be least moral are the most?

Current State of Mind

I miss this blog.  I miss blogging.  I don’t really know where my time has gone or is going.  I am finally feeling better.  My arm is no longer numb.  My neck doesn’t hurt so much when I turn it.  I am beginning to exercise.

I think for a long time I had been depressed.  I think that I am coming out of it now.  I was in a weird state where I could not cry.  I would want to, but I really couldn’t do it.  I might could get a tear or two out, but that was it.  Now, if something makes me sad, I can be sad.  I can have tears.  I am not a crying – weeping – mess.

I feel a lot more clear than I have in a long time.

I have started a blog on tumblr.  It’s different.  Not as personal. Maybe I just haven’t made any friends there yet.

I hope all is well with you.

Overwhelmed? Really?

I dislike being in pain.

Being in pain makes every trivial thing seem so big.

Things that normally wouldn’t bother me have me so irritated.  I’m not outwardly grumpy, but I feel like a toddler who is about to have a meltdown because of sensory overload.

I need a real break.

Could I whine anymore?  Jeez.

I’m Over It

I have nothing to apologize for. 

I will not live in guilt over something I am not guilty of.

If you have a problem with that, then it is your problem.

I am not going to live in bondage over imaginary evils.

 

I am done with your manipulation.

I am done playing your blame game.

It’s over.

My conscience is clear.

The end.

How do you feel?

I feel like a triangle in a world of rectangles and circles, or maybe like a square peg trying to go through a round hole.

Life

It’s all good
It’s all good
*holds head in hands*
It’s all good
It’s all good

Maybe if I say it enough it will be…..

Things aren’t bad, but they just seem to be piling up. 

We were in an accident a two months ago.  I’m still recovering for that.  Nothing major, we were rear ended and things are mostly fine.  I’m just still having some back/neck issues that can cause a fair amount of pain.  Mostly no one knows that.  Had an MRI.  Herniated disc.

My dad had surgery last week for prostate cancer.  We’ll know for sure this week the final results to see if he needs chemo or not.  My step-mom is really having a difficult time with this whole thing.  My dad is trying to not be bothered by it.

The man is stressed out.

I’m not sleeping.  I’d like to, but it’s elusive.

I have a number of projects that I’m working on that just don’t seem to be getting done as quickly as I’d like.

I feel like things are out of control, and I don’t know what to do about it but just keep chugging along like a good little freight train.

Sayings… Proverbs…. Sorta

 I’ve been tutoring my kids.  That is going well.  I got tickled at one of my boys this week, we were talking about proverbs – sayings.  This is approximately how the conversation went.

 

Me: So do you have any?

Paul: Any what?

Me: *internal eye roll* Sayings….do Koreans have any sayings like, "Time flies when you’re having fun"?

Paul: No.

I stare at him for a minute.  I close my eyes briefly, I try looking at him through my closed eyelids, but this does nothing.  Blinking.  I narrow my eyes.  I know he’s wanting me to change the subject, but I just can’t let go….not yet.  So I try again.

Me:  Surely, in Korea you have a few things you say.

Paul: Like what?

Me:  I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.

Paul: Oh.

Loooooooooong pause.

Me:  So do you have any?

Paul: Yeah, we have one.

Another long pause.

Me: Well, what is it?

Him: *deep sigh*  "It’s like giving a pie to a baby."

Me: *squinching up my face, possibly closing one eye* Paul, what does that mean?

Another really long pause as he thinks…..

Him: Oh, wait a minute…. It’s not right… uh….. It’s like taking candy from baby.

Me: Paul, I think that might be one of ours.

Him: Oh. 

What’s Going On?

I feel small

I want to cry and can’t

There is nothing…no tears, no dampness, no wet

Nothing

Nothing but gray

A vapor

A mist

Sometimes a thick fog

The color gray in various shades have been the colors in my head

I hear music

Constant

The volume is loud

The beat is steady

At least it’s music I like

Then there is the pain

The vise-like grip around my brain

In varying degrees

For two days I’ve had relief

But I can feel its claws

Waiting

Wanting to take a hold

I don’t remember my dreams

Sleep disrupted

Then sitting at my desk

Heart beating fast

Beating loud

For no reason

Nothing is going on, yet something’s wrong

At home it’s the same

Sitting alone hearing my heartbeat

Feeling my heartbeat, it’s so strong

Very aware that I’m alive

I’m not stressed

I’m not in danger

I am

Alone?